Depending upon which game magazines you read Driv3r is either a crushingingly disappointing game, or it's a rather spiffingly good drive 'em up.
Well, this is Flatbatteries, and I'm going to tell you that I'm not disappointed by this game because I knew it was going to be rubbish in the first place: charmless, poorly conceived and nothing more than a clone of Vice City.
I'm not a massive fan of Vice City , but that game looks like a masterpiece compared to Driv3r. The format is virtually identical; big, explorable environments filled with cars which you can steal. You can run people over. Tee bloody Hee. There are missions to undertake, which involve - wait for it - DRIVING... DRIVING... Driver... Driv3r... clever, isn't it?
No. Because lots of the game involves running around, which seems silly in a game called Driver... sorry Driv3r. And to add insult to injury, the running about bits are poorly realised. It's not even funny.
Apart from the way the main character runs. That made me laugh. He runs like he's (a) constipated (b) got piles/rectal prolapse or (c) um, he's damaged his bottom somehow in some other way . If you know what I mean. Fnarr fnarr.
Other than that, you drive around, you're chased by the police etc. etc. It's SO tedious.
You see, this game lacks charm. The voice acting is portentous and VERY SERIOUS. The graphics look sharp, in places, and the cars 'feel' okay, but it all lacks character somehow. It's too clean, too synthetic.
This game says to me, "Hey! Look at my physics engine! Look at how I mimic real life!"
Give it a rest, son.
I could go on but I don't want to give this game any more oxygen than it deserves. Which is none.
And it didn't come out on the Gamecube. Boo Hoo.